Monday 3 January 2011

January 3- Messenger from God

(Note: Reading this back it seems extremely derivative, so I apologise. It's a story diary, I suppose, and diaries are full of other people's thoughts you've decided to have for yourself.)


And so it was that one day a Messenger from God did decend from on high, and all of humanity did flock to see him. And lo, the Messenger from God spoke thus: "For heaven's sake, humanity, pull your boots up, it's really horrendous out there in the outer galaxies and frankly we're starting to get a little annoyed."

And ye, humanity did look confused.

"Didn't you read your Genesis?", said the Messenger. "You have dominion over all the creatures upon the earth- that's lower case, if you'd been paying attention. I suppose you've been so busy with your wars and the like that you never stopped to think that there was probably quite a lot of earth outside your silly little planet, and really a fair few creatures that were likely to live there, but no, it's just building new rockets and getting yourself killed. I'm not sure what the Lord was thinking giving you dominion, really, most of you can barely be trusted with a spring."

And yay, humanity did look perplexed, and the priests and vicars among them nervous.

"Anyway", continued the Messenger, "that'll all have to change now. There's about seven billion of you, so each of you will only have to get dominion over around a thousand octillion cubic miles of creation." "And", he continued over the squeals of panic, "most of that is empty space, really, it shouldn't be much bother." He paused. "Except for the tesselated sections, of course. Most of the tesselated sections is flesh-devouring monsters. Still, they only make up, what, seventy eight percent of the universe, you'll be fine..."

A yell interupted the Messenger demanding to know where God had been during the many disasters that had befallen the world.

"Oh, honestly", said the Messenger, "it's just take, take, take with you people. Maybe if you fulfilled your part of the bargain He'd have time to give you some lifeboats or something, instead of cleaning up the mess in all the places He only went and gave to you. Anyway, that's your message, I have appointments to attend to. Rest assured I'll be telling Jesus about all this." And verily he tutted one last time, then ascended to heaven with the sound of a trumpeting angel.

After this most people decided they'd had enough of religion, now that they thought it over, and discovered they could keep on fighting perfectly well without it. Today dominion over the universe is largely the responisbility of the Vatican, who all things considered has handled things remarkably well, and this year only had ten Popes devoured in the sky.

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